I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I touched a dick in church today
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
