new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
