pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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