I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
