If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
