i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
