We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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