explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
