All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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