So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
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Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Holy sore nipples Batman
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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