i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
