11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
