Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
