walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
