Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
