wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
