Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
