not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
