I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
