if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
