I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
