she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
