He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
