i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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