why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
