Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
