i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
