thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
