I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
