If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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