Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
