recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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