also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
