Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
