I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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