MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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