i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
