You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
