Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
