I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
