im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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