i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
