He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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