White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
