This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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