Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
