She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
