Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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