Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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