I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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