I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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