I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
What drink are we having for lunch?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
True strength comes from lack of pants
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
