my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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