his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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