if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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