Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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