You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
